The first day

It’s the end of July 2021. Its been 17 months since the first day I felt the impacts of the pandemic at work. And it hasn’t stopped. It has been 17 months of confusion, fear, exhaustion, frustration, and disappointment. It’s been 17 months of critical staffing, no recognition and angry patients.
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Last night I was driving myself home from yet another exhausting shift. The thoughts of quitting nursing all together have gotten stronger and more frequent as these months have gone on. Then, our of nowhere, a familiar image pops into my head. I don’t know why it chooses the times it does, or what it even means but every once in a while there it is!
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I was never the kid that knew what they wanted to do. I stumbled into nursing and got really lucky I had already been accepted to a school with a nursing program. Even throughout nursing school everyone seemed to latch onto an area or speciality that called to them. I graduated having no freakin’ idea what I wanted to do. However, this image remained strong.
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Labor and delivery was my first rotation in nursing school. Typically a rotation saved for more experienced students but my school had designed their program a little differently. So I went into Labor and delivery as green as green can get. I had never stepped foot on a hospital unit, I had never take an actual patient’s BP, I had never seen a birth. Almost every single part of that day is a blur. I remember where we stood for morning huddle, what the general layout of the unit was, and this moment. That is all.
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The patient was in her final few pushes. The head was crowning. I don’t remember if she had great control or if she was losing it. I wouldn’t have known the difference anyway. All I remember is that head of hair sitting there, ready to come earth side.  The nurse grabbed the woman’s hand, got close to her face, looked her into her eyes and asked if she’d like to touch her baby’s head. The woman nodded and the nurse guided her fingers down to the crowning infant. That mothers reaction was every single emotion wrapped into 1 second and I felt it. It was the most important moment of that day.
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To this day this is my practice. I ask almost every single one of my patients if they’d like to feel their baby. Many times it’s a great way to recenter, to ground them within one of the most challenging moments of their delivery. Some look at me like I’m crazy, some say absolutely not, some are hesitant but agree, and some say yes. But almost every single patient that does has a similar moment to that mother. It doesn’t always look the same but I can feel it. It’s a tangible recognition that they’ve reached this transition together. That something amazing is about to happen and calm takes over.
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I am grateful for this memory. I am not sure if my brain is trying to remind me of the value of my work. If it’s trying to save me from deep dark disappointment when things don’t go well. If it’s trying to get me to stay in nursing. I don’t know. But it’s a welcomed flash from the past.
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Have you had a moment in school or early in your career that’s stuck with you? Has it influenced your practice?