NOT ALL NURSES EAT THEIR YOUNG

I had been an RN for 7 years. An inpatient RN for 6 and a Labor nurse for 5. A number that awarded me some respect from the older nurses and trust from my leaders. However, it was a number I was well aware still made me green when comparing it to the careers of the nurses around me. 
This was the first official debrief I had been a part of and most definitely the first in which I found myself at the center. There was no denying I had played a role. I had beat myself up for weeks and sat at that table emotionally raw trying to fight back tears as providers went round robin with medical history and case assessments.
I had tried to make sense of it, to find the lesson and move on. I had discussed it with my therapist and had been able to “process” through this trauma quicker than I would’ve in the past. I went that day with  things I wanted to say.
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I sat at that table and took responsibility for what I could, I stated what I could have done differently and how it would alter my practice in the future. I was proud of myself. I felt that I was coming into my own as a nurse, I was growing, I was getting better. This trauma would not define me, something good would come out of it.
Then something happened. I was sandwiched between two charge nurses. Two amazing nurses that had been doing this for quite some time. They heard what I was saying but they also heard what I wasn’t saying... “This is my fault, and I am so sorry” “I will never let this happen again”. They knew I would go home and run that narrative over and over. It WOULD become a part of my identity. This would forever be a patient I “failed”.

"Nursing without vulnerability is a recipe for disaster"

Despite my fancy words about “lessons learned”, they called bullshit. They gave me permission to actually forgive myself, no strings attached. I had no idea that this was what I needed until that very moment.  These women, in a matter of seconds, showed me true resilience.
I was made acutely aware that pain would be embedded in this job. Everyone has tough cases. And that sometimes your best just doesn’t  get the outcome you want. Sometimes you are powerless. They had learned these lessons already. They sat there with their battle scars and they were bound and determined to make them worth something. Through their vulnerability and honesty they would inspire me to put one foot in front of the other.
Without even hearing the other voice in my head, they knew it was there. And they made it very clear they were there to fight it with me. That is leadership. That is how you survive this career. You do not let it harden you. You lean in. Nursing without vulnerability it a recipe for disaster. Emotion is necessary. I had convinced myself for so long that my sensitivity would make me weak but these women quickly showed me that was not the case. All of a sudden I had a superpower.